the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
