i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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