You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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