I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize