don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
