im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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