Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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