Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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