he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So many bounce houses so little time
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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