I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
