Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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