remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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