you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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