When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
