the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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