I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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