we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
