I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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