I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
