I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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