I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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