These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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