I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
