i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
