Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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