My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
