Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
