College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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