Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
