bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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