I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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