Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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