Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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