I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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