What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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