Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
