my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
