I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
