I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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