fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
