I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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