Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
