she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
