totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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