Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
