Just fell off a train. Bad.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
