Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we're so committed to being not committed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
