sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
