bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
