Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
