and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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