now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
