you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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