I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
