dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
