I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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