i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
