i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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