I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
