You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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