Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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