Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
