So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if only i could text you this smell
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
