I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
