Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
