Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
